PRE-DEPLOYMENT EMOTIONS: UPS AND DOWNS AND PALPABLE CHANGES
My husband and I have a journal we use to write each other notes in back and forth that we have had since somewhere around October, 2014. Even for short stints apart, like when he was gone for air assault training for two weeks or when he was gone for airborne training for three weeks, I find that it's nice to have and when I am really missing him and am thinking about him I can write him a note. It's something I can do immediately to express myself to him and let him know what I am thinking and feeling and how much he means to me, when I can't get in touch with him right away or hear his voice as often.
He works full time with the National Guard an hour and a half away from where we live, which means he is gone Tuesday-Friday every week - or sometimes Tuesday-Thursday, if I'm lucky and he gets to work at the local armory on a Friday. Gratefully, National Guard doesn't work on Mondays! Lucky ducks. On weeks with a drill weekend, he generally comes home one day between work and the weekend for the evening, getting home around 7 or so and leaving at 5am the next morning to see me. I am used to having him gone for half or most of every week, and being home weekends and Mondays. Without the weekend, it's a little sadder.
This past week was a drill-weekend week, and one evening I was really missing him and decided to write him a note. I am not going to share it, but I told him a lot of the things I love and appreciate about him, I told him he is my greatest support and friend, and I know deployment will only strengthen and deepen that truth. There is one excerpt that I would like to share, though...something I have been experiencing lately.
"I have noticed a tangible change this week as deployment rose from the safe, theoretical bin of hypothetical bravery to be conquered someday far away to the fragile, unknown world hovering over tomorrow like an inevitable grey cloud just waiting to rain. We can learn to dance in the rain, and I know we will, but boy, those first drops will be awfully cold and unfriendly.
I feel more fragile in general, with all my feelings living just under the surface, appearing more often, with less to cause me to go there, which is uncomfortable. I wonder if it makes me less independent, less capable, or more pathetic. ... Strangely, I also know that if I didn't feel this way I'd wonder what was wrong with me. It's like before surgery - I know it'll hurt, but don't know how or how much, or what adjustment will be like. At least once it starts all I have to do is get through it!"
And that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. A few nights ago, I cried on and off all evening, which is the night I ended up writing him this note. The surgery I refer to is the spine surgery I had for scoliosis when I was 13. I was scared of the unknown, but the psychological pain of the unknown was instantly relieved when I awoke from surgery. It was the worst physical pain I had felt before, but the wondering was over and I knew it was all uphill from here. I don't know yet, but I feel like deployment may be like that.
I talked to a friend yesterday about how all the feelings I have seem to be sitting right underneath the surface and I seem to be "triggered," for lack of a better word, easier and more often. I told her I feel like this is how it's going to be for the next year, and my friend encouraged and challenged me that I will have to just be okay with not being okay. It was a rotten thing to feel, like I will be an emotional imposition on friends for a year (though I know they love me and want to care for me), and like I said earlier, as if I am less independent and capable a person in those moments of vulnerability and weakness. Yet those moments with other people are going to be cherished more and more as time goes on and will be so very needed.
So there are downer days, and there will be in the future too. But then there are days like yesterday and today that are encouraging. Yesterday my husband was home, I went to class for grad school, I did home work, and in the evening we spent time with friends. It was a great day, and the meltdown of a few nights ago seemed like more of a distant memory. This morning, my husband left at 5am like he does every Tuesday morning to get to work. I went back to sleep, and when I awoke for the second time I was alone. But I woke up ready for the day like any other day would be if deployment was not on the horizon. My phone had died and I woke up late, so I'll have to make up office hours another day, but I will do some work from home, some work at work, get new tires for my car, and do homework at home. It's not an exciting day, but hey, the sun is shining, and the birds...well, okay, it's winter and I don't hear any birds, but they're out there somewhere! It's encouraging to me that no matter what deployment is like, I will adjust to a new normal while my husband is gone. We will set realistic expectations and communication routines once he is on the ground. I will go to school and work, I will be professional, I will be able to do well in school, and days will continue. Sometimes the sun will shine and the birds will sing, and the day will feel exciting and fun. Other times, the birds might not be singing, but I will remember that they're out there somewhere.
*Photo by Blue Barn Photography