DEPLOYMENT DAY: MILITARY WIVES LOOK BACK
If you're new to the military with an upcoming deployment, you may be wondering what it is you will be facing on deployment day. I know I have, so this post is a form of research for myself and laying out what I have learned for anyone else who may be asking the same question. With every deployment there is a deployment cycle: pre-deployment, deployment, sustainment, homecoming approaches, and post-deployment/reintegration. There is an emotional cycle coinciding with the deployment cycle, as well. In Families Under Fire, Sneath and Rheem use a seven-stage emotional model as follows: "anticipation of loss and detachment and withdrawal in the pre-deployment stage; emotional disorganization, recovery and reorganization, and anticipation of homecoming for the deployment stage; and reorganization of the marital bond, and reintegration and stabilization for the post-deployment stage." With deployment looming on the horizon like a gray cloud, service members and their spouses often begin to grieve the loss of the relationship as it has been known to the couple in normal, everyday life. Sneath and Rheem share that emotional disorganization generally occurs for several weeks to months after a service member deploys, but the members of the family ultimately adjust to a new normal. During these reorganization times, friendships are often formed or deepened by service member and spouse alike as they seek comfort from secure attachments with others aside from their spouse.
Having an idea about the deployment cycle progression provides us with a set of more realistic expectations, and can normalize our experiences as we go through it. Having our feelings and experiences normalized and validated is important, and is probably the most significant reason behind the urging of experienced military wives to find other military spouses to connect with during this time. There is unique solace in knowing you are not alone, knowing you are responding to an event normally, and knowing things will not be this way forever. In the hard times, you can look at the next stage in the cycle and have hope that this is to be expected and will pass. In the good times, you can prepare yourself and rest for the times that will be more challenging. Remember that these stages show a basic progression, and there will be commonalities between your deployment experience and others', but there will be some variation as well and that's okay. Expect some ups and downs no matter where you are in the cycle - it's not hard and fast, and there is no perfect formula to what deployment will be like for you. Kind of like how surgeons can tell you how recovery generally goes for someone in your condition and at your age, but how you respond to anesthesia and other variables is unique to you.
I have asked several military wife bloggers to share a few sentences about what deployment day was like, their initial response, and what they would say to themselves if they met the version of themselves that was going through the first few days of their first deployment. This is not dealing with the cycle as a whole, but that bit of time just as you step across the threshold into the "deployment" and "disorganization" stages that have been lurking before you. Your husband has just left, your initial routine is thrown off, you haven't had time to adjust yet, and you aren't sure what it's going to be like. This is what they shared:
Julie: I was pregnant and had a 2 year old. The one thing I can really remember was taking him to the park and realizing he was really gone. The deployment wasn't just something that was going to happen, it was something that had started and I would have to figure out how to get through it. I quickly joined my FRG at a weekly coffee date because I needed to have something to look forward to. That was such a good idea. We met on Monday mornings and it was the perfect thing to do after a long weekend without our spouses.
Britni: Stay busy, but allow yourself to be sad. I took the day off of work the day that he left, which, in retrospect, was a mistake. I should have kept that day as "normal" as possible. Get involved with other spouses - whether it be joining the spouses' group, or finding another spouse you can lean on. It helps to be with others who understand what you are going through. Don't try to do it alone. Ask for help. Volunteer, learn a new skill.
Kara: After the buses left, I sat in the car and cried for a bit before driving home. It felt odd, empty at home. At first it was like he was just gone for training, but I knew better. It took a good month for me to get into my own swing of things. My sleep suffered, I could hardly sleep, but eventually it got better. The thing that saved me was having something to do, I was caring for a friend's horses. Horse chores every morning helped a lot. I knew even on the days I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and sleep forever, that I had horses depending on me for breakfast. It might not be horses, but find something that you love that makes it worth getting up for. A hobby, a job, volunteer work, anything. There will be good days, and bad days. You will face things you never imagined, but the best thing I can suggest is to only take it 1 day at a time. Everyday, good or bad, is another day closer.
Kim: I was pregnant with my first and I'd only gotten married and moved to a new place 9 months before my husband left just after 9/11. I think my biggest lesson was that I couldn't do it on my own. I needed to learn to ask for help and after 4 deployments now if I could make myself learn something sooner, it would be to ask *before* I'm desperate to avoid collapse. Trying to be Superwoman doesn't help anyone!
EJ: I don't remember my first day of my first deployment. I was scared and numb. I was "only" a girlfriend and my boyfriend was doing a 15 month deployment. I knew nothing about the military. It was 2007. My first deployment as a spouse... Still very scary but I felt more grounded. I stayed busy, trained for a half marathon, absorbed myself in work, school and healthy wonderful friendships. My advice? Well, this is what I do: first day I give myself full, unadulterated permission to have a pity party for 1. Glass of wine. Chocolate. Big ugly tears. I give myself days 2 and 3 to transition - clean up (because my whole living room became a staging area), do whatever chores I put aside while trying to savor the last moments while he was home... and I write my first letter. By the end of week 1 I have typically identified a goal for myself and I start working on it.
Nicole: Currently, we're in the middle of our first deployment. We've been long distance for the past year, so when he left, it was a text that said he was flying out, so I didn't get to be there, saying goodbye at the buses or anything. It was weird knowing he was flying across the world while I was sleeping. However, for the first day, I was truly just numb and everything felt off. I didn't have my solid cry until about 2 weeks after he left. I just went through my day, going to classes, doing homework, going to work, my normal schedule, just not getting to talk to D. I actually wrote a post about it here: http://www.balancinglifeandlove.com/yesterday-he-left.../ As for advice I would give myself at the beginning of it all, I would have to say that deployments really push relationships to the max and to make them work, you need to prepare yourself for a lot of emotions that will stress the relationship. Also, keep busy as much as possible, but not to the point where you're exhausting yourself. Balance it out so you're not home alone, downing a bottle of wine every night, just only every once in a while. ;)
Malia: During our first deployment, it was different levels of emotions. The day we were at the pier waiting for their final send off, we found out that they wouldn't be leaving that day. Although I was happy for some extra time with him, it made it harder to say good-bye all over again the following day. I was at home and he called me to drive down to the pier. It was definitely one of the tougher moments and I tried so hard not to cry in front of him because it would have been hard for him to see. http://wanderingmalia.com
Elizabeth: Honestly the hardest for me were weeks into the first deployment. After spending a 9 months of work up where he was home for 3-6 weeks gone 2-5 weeks, him being gone felt normal. It was until that 4 week period that I realized he wasn't coming home for 9 more months. That is when things hit me hard.
Honestly him coming home was harder than I expected. I had never lived alone before and after 9.5 months you get used to a new normal. I had expanded my obligations (started my blog, took on stressful high demanding jobs), got used to doing things on my schedule, energy and time period. It was quite the learning experience becoming a couple again and not just a married couple that conversed by email once an evening, and talked or met up on port calls. Here is a post on my experience: http://www.reluctantlandlord.net/adjusting-after-deployment/
I hope this has been helpful for you...whether you are looking for yourself or as a friend of a service member or military spouse, trying to understand what is going on with them. To the military spouses out there, I wish healthy, emotionally-genuine-but-eventually-well-adjusted deployment seasons to you all! If you are a friend of mine, thank you for reading and being willing to learn about a few upcoming challenges and things to expect. If you are a friend of someone else going through this season, I thank you on their behalf. If you know someone who might benefit from this, please share!
Reference
Everson, R. B., & Figley, C. R. (Eds.). (2011). Families under fire: Systemic therapy with military
families. New York: Routledge.
*Photography by Blue Barn Photography