EXPECTATIONS AND CONTENTMENT
Home again, home again!
A three week training here, a two week training there, here a duffle, there a duffle, everywhere a green duffle...
Husband is home again after a three week annual training (it's a week longer than usual before a deployment), and with him came a slew of duffle bags, rucksacks, combat boots, and an onslaught of newly issued gear with the latest uniform pattern. Tomorrow he commutes to spend half of the week at work again, business as usual. We haven't been married long, but he's been gone for these short several-week stints a couple times already on top of monthly drills and being gone half or most of every week for work. I think his being gone regularly during the week helps the adjustment when he's away, and I am confident it will continue to aid in adjustment when an actual deployment hits...aid, though not erode all I will need to wade through that time.
You heard me say being gone 3 weeks is a short amount of time. It is. When you remember that the life you've said yes to involves your husband being gone for a year every few years, you don't sweat the small stuff so much. When you remember that the life you've said yes to involves your husband being gone for a year every few years, a drill weekend is small potatoes. When you remember that the life you've said yes to involves your husband being gone for a year every few years, your husband spending half of every week away from home is small potatoes.
A friend I have is married to someone in the military who is getting out at the end of his contract in a year. When they were dating, she said she didn't want to hold him back, so if he wanted to be in the military long-term, that was okay, but that's not something she could do. She knew herself, and the military life isn't for everyone. He picked the girl over the military, and agreed to end his time in the service after his contract with the Guard. For her, the expectation was being married and having your husband home every night, never having to wake up alone, and weekends together or together with friends...but together. She asked me one day how I handled my husband being gone all the time. "Don't drill weekends always seem to fall on the most inconvenient times? How do you deal with that?"
I had a few reactions in that moment. I experienced the passing shadow of camaraderie in a shared experience, quickly replaced by a twinge of bitterness. The kind of bitterness I felt when first coming home from a mission trip overseas, with people who buy pay-as-you-go electricity in Zambia and run out and have to buy more if they can afford it, or seeing children in Belize bathe and wash clothes and drink from the filthiest river you can imagine...and then coming back to the States to see stores of Christmas villages that do nothing but sit there sucking electricity away, and your fellow humans upset because the cashier at Chick-Fil-A put too much ice in their drink. I felt a sour tug, a nudge in my mind to ask how one weekend a month could possibly be significant in light of the life of many lengthy separations I have ahead of me. I felt compassion, knowing it is hard to be away from a beloved spouse, sometimes even for a short time like a couple of weeks. I maybe even felt some small appreciation for being noticed and for her so sincerely coming to me to ask this personal question relating to her life.
Her question was valid. I had mixed feelings at the time, but it was. It isn't right to compare my life to someone else's life, whether the comparison makes me feel exalted on a pedestal of self-righteous suffering or perseverance, or like the lowest of the low. She expected life to look differently, and chose not to be a part of military life. She was sticking it out through the annual trainings and drill weekends until the time she envisioned for the two of them could really begin. I, on the other hand, met a man in love with the army and decided that if that's what he loved, I had better jump in with both feet rather than let him go because I knew he was the man I wanted to do life with even if that life was not anything like what I would have predicted for myself 5 years ago. When I did, I found a world full of rich culture, fellowship, unpredictability, exasperation, and excitement.
It all comes down to expectations. My friend's expectation for life and marriage is one I used to share, and as long as the expectation is for her spouse not to be in the military, the military will be a bother. After accepting my husband's passion as a likely long-term future, I had to change my expectations to match. Now that the expectation is that he will be gone a lot, him being "home" even when he is away for short amounts of time really isn't a big deal, because hey, at least he's home! I still miss him when he's gone for three weeks, but by the end of the second week there is only one week left, and that's pretty great. My expectations dictate the level of contentment I am able to reach. Thus, if I am not content, I can either remain discontented or adapt my expectations.
As I have mentioned a number of times, I am a planner. I love to know what to expect out of my day. If I have an ordinary day and it turns out something unexpectedly fun can happen, woohoooo!!! Awesome. "Adapt and overcome" isn't such an imposing mantra. If, on the other hand, I had a fun day planned and it is ruined, my otherwise ordinary day suddenly becomes rather depressing and upsetting. I might do the exact same thing two separate days, but I allow my expectation for what those days were supposed to be like legislate my contentedness in their realities.
When deployment comes, I will need to adjust my expectations for "normal married life" for a year. If I fail to do this, my life will be put on hold, my potential growth stunted, and self-pity will grow like weeds. If, however, I decide to adjust my expectations - making allowances for feeling more vulnerable and fragile than I am used to, and for not being okay for a while - I open the door to productivity, growth, and ultimately contentment through it all. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about this early in our marriage, as we will undoubtedly be afforded many opportunities to adjust our expectations in the future. And I fully expect this experience to make me stronger as an individual as well as make my husband and I stronger in our relationships with each other and with God. I expect to be driven back to the most important things in life, and am excited to see what the future holds...even while harboring some fear. I know that whatever comes, my greatest rock of all will be with me in Jesus, and that He is willing and able to guide me and teach me. I can do all things through him who gives me strength.
In summary, my favorite human alive on this earth, and the one who is best at keeping me grounded and sane when I tend to get a little crazy, is leaving for a year. Things will look a little different, and life will be different. The things I have control over - my expectations - will be challenged to adapt to the things I don't. It's military life, and I can't wait for a white picket fence and a solid decade of marriage guaranteed to be at home before I start living our adventure. This is our adventure, and I don't want to miss it. With all its frustrations, the military life provides a unique experience and community unlike any other. If expectations dictate contentment, why wait a year or more in whatever situation you are in to alter your expectations and live?
Philippians 4:10-14
"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles."